Sabbatical

Hello readers,

As you've noticed, I haven't posted on here lately. I am going through some personal matters and I've lost my motivation to write for this blog. I'm thankful to have had so much inspiration over this past year. I feel this has been some of my best writing. But times change and I may need a longer break from writing than I've already taken.

So be good my friends. Keep reading and pondering of random things!

Megan

Changes

No matter where you go, you are what you are player

And you can try to change but that's just the top layer

Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here

Only God can judge me, so I'm gone

Either love me, or leave me alone

~Jay-Z, Public Service Announcement

Change is quite possibly the most difficult and scariest thing a person can do. It is also the easiest thing, especially when done subconsciously. People change everyday and throughout their lifetimes. Some set out deliberately to change, others look back after the years have gone by to see the small changes they have made. Change needs a catalyst, a trigger. That trigger could be anywhere from a death to a break up to a failed class to a move across country or even just across town. What holds us back from change? What makes us more open to change?

I personally have changed so much over the course of my 28 years. As I child, I was messy, needy, and prone to temper-tantrums when I didn't get my way. Okay, so I haven't changed that much...! I was always quiet, but I really blossomed in high school when I found fellow crazy-odd people who understood what it meant to be crazy-odd. I changed myself from the painfully shy tween to an all out social butterfly, flitting from group to group. I still didn't clean my room and I'd get amazingly upset if I broke something, like a dish or a drinking glass. In college, I started as that painfully shy kid but again quickly blossomed as I met others who were as crazy as I am. In my early years, I was still that messy kid who had stuff all over the place even though the roommate said nothing and I wore my jeans for a month without washing them but would sit on my unmade bed.

I'd say my first major transformation started in my third year at college. My catalyst: Hurricane Katrina and a slob of a boyfriend. Katrina struck at the beginning of the school year and suddenly I was inundated with family and belongings from home that were salvaged. I had to put the belongings somewhere in my apartment, which required it to stay clean. My boyfriend came from a messy family. I'd never seen so much backed up laundry in my life. Unfortunately, he came from a situation where his mother did all the housework like cooking and cleaning while catering to her idle husband and children, all after working a 12 hour day. So when Stephen got his own apartment, he no longer had his mom to clean up after him, so he didn't clean up after himself. The smell of week old sweaty laundry is disgusting. The smell of week old sweaty male is also disgusting. If I wanted to spend time in that apartment, I had to clean up or else I would puke. This led me to keeping my own apartment and person clean so that I would never be like that.

My second major transformation was more of a snowball effect with several catalysts: living with my Granny, moving out and living with my boyfriend and his son, then moving in with my parents not long before my Granny died. Living with my Granny was great, in retrospect. She was a bit pushy and always had some tidbit of advice about cleaning or life or whatever. I filed them away, ignored, like any grand kid would do. It broke her heart when I moved out against her advice. In fact, it still hurts knowing how I did that to her. But I did it anyways and moved into a household where suddenly if I wanted it done, I had to do it myself. I started using all of the tips that Granny shared with me. I began to understand that while cleanliness may not be godliness, it certainly is much healthier for you. By the time I moved out of that house, I was a full-blown neat-freak. At my parents' house, especially after Granny passed two months later, I was obsessed with cleaning my "suite." At work, I became known for my precision in completing tasks. Let me tell ya, a gift wrap clerk is the best job for a neat-freak.

Unfortunately, it was around this time that my changes began to get in the way of my life. I pushed away people that I cared about because I was so much more concerned about being clean and in control of my surroundings. But at the same time, I've been consistently told not to change who I am. That's rather contradictory, no yes? How can I stay the same when the person I am is not sustainable in a meaningful relationship? I was told very bluntly that if I don't change, I should expect to spend the rest of my life alone. I can't even tell you how much that hurt then and still hurts now. But he's right. And so I've found the catalyst for my latest transformation. Changing deliberately is amazingly hard! I'm having to go against everything my brain has been wired to do for the past however many years. My changes run the gamut from not freaking out over my mother putting seasonings between the pizza and the pan to driving more aggressively (which is actually super fun). I've even started a blog to follow my journey. But all of my changes are really minor and only on the surface, see the Jay-Z quote above. The real meat of the matter is how I interact and react to other people. Which is really hard to do when I don't have an other person to practice with! I have to learn that what I think is best for someone is not necessarily what they would consider best for themselves and that it's not the end of the world. I've been trying to work on this for quite some time now. Obviously I haven't succeeded, but I've had some success. As Macklemore says: "We press play, don't press pause/Progress, march on."

Some people say you can't change who you are. I saw we are changing who we are all the time, slowly or quickly, consciously or subconsciously. At some level you have to accept whatever changes you make; they are not forced on you. It's up to you to decide if, how, why, for whom, you should and want to change. Me, I'm changing for love.

Dating’s Prime Directive

Lately I find myself delving into new worlds, going boldly where I have never gone before. I’ve found my final frontier, and it isn’t space. No, I’ve found it in a younger man. Who woulda thunk it? After a decade of dating, from the slightly younger to the significantly older, I think I may have my match in a relatively young guy. Relatively being six years my junior, still in college and having the attitude to match.

With so many differences between us (age, life experience, education) it can be very difficult to hold back advice. I’ve come to realize that our relationship requires a Prime Directive. Starfleet’s Prime Directive states that there can be no interference with the development of an alien civilization. Okay, so calling a guy an alien is a bit of a stretch (just a bit), but the same principle applies in the younger guy situation. He is still working through his formative years, learning professionalism, self-sufficiency, adult-like manners, and personal, professional and educational responsibility. As much as I would love like to take over and show him how to do things, I can’t. Simple as that. I went through those same years without someone dictating my every move and I owe the same to him.

That all said, there are (several) times when it’s okay to breach the Prime Directive, such as a hint here or edited essay there. There is actually a difference between dictating and advising, though as a control freak that line is blurred. While I can’t tell him what to do, which ensures a rebellious response, I can offer advice that he is free to take or not. The trick for me is to not be upset if he refuses the advice even though I know it will improve his circumstances… But he has to learn from his own mistakes! However, if I am asked for advice or help, then the Prime Directive is less restrictive. I’ve been asked to proofread an essay and his resume. I did these things gladly but I also made sure to involve him in the process, that way I wasn’t taking over completely and could show him why I made the changes.

This brings up an especially important note for dealing with other people, especially younger males. No one likes to lose control. Even further, no one likes being told what to do without having solid reasons to back up this action. If you want a person to change himself or his product, then you should tell that person why you would like to see that change happen, what it would mean to change, and how it can improve their life. Then wait for them to process and adopt this change if they want to. Trust me, you’re more likely to succeed this way!

All in all, dating a younger man has its pros and cons. That’s enough for a whole ‘nother post! But, above all else, follow the Prime Directive. Be there to support your man when he needs but stay out of his hair otherwise! Just be sure to communicate clearly and accept who he is. Do this and you both will be happy.